When Religion, Relationships and Sex Collide

When religion, relationships and sex collide, life gets strange … and sometimes interesting.

As a writer, I get to go to all sorts of interesting places (not as many as I want to) and do interesting things and read interesting research. I read about science, history, religion, civil rights, sex, politics (maybe that should be lumped in with the sex reference?), and relationships. There are few news articles I read just to understand where people come from on things. I don’t always agree with what I read. I hate yellow journalism or pieces deliberately slanted to evoke a reaction without saying anything of substance, but I read them because understanding how other people think is one step to understanding the characters I write about.

I count among my friends several who self identify as lesbian/gay, one who self identifies as bisexual, and one that identifies as polyamorous. There may be more of each among my friends, but they have not chosen to out themselves to me and I respect that choice. It is their choice, and theirs alone.

That being said, I grew up in a small town where one did not discuss anything but hetero relationships, and even then there wasn’t much said about them. Of course, these people were ultra conservative in several ways and desperately wanted to be identified with the rebel South even though they were born and bred Yanks. So when I got to college, I was woefully ignorant about sexual terminology and relationship possibilities. I’d met all of one gay person during my teenage years, at Girl Scout camp of all places. As uncertain as I was about how I should be reacting, by the end of the two week session, I knew I had nothing to worry about. She was just another Girl Scout attending summer camp, singing songs, building campfires, and toasting marshmallows. She didn’t act “deviant” in any way, didn’t come on to any of us. There was no fondling in the middle of the night or attempts to stare at us when we were all in the group shower. She was as normal a person as I, as any of us.

Being a theatre major, where talking and joking about sex was anything but taboo, was an education in and of itself. I learned things from my fellow students that were worth their weight in gold. This is where I met my second openly-gay friend. He was a wonderful fellow who I had a desperate crush on. That’s when someone else broke the news to me. She suggested I could “fix him,” but not only did I find that offensive (because he wouldn’t be the same guy he was now if he changed), but he wasn’t at all confused about his preferences. He had a boyfriend and that was that.

Part of my growth as a writer has been to touch upon subjects that make me uncomfortable. I never heard of erotica until the past few years, let alone all the terminology associated with the genre. I’ve never written about sex or relationships beyond friendships. So as part of my education, I’ve been researching, reading, and writing. The more I learn, the more I find myself exploring these themes in my work. The Hunt for Liberty Jones contains a brief and deliberately vague hetero sex scene. Silk and Steam has a potentially bisexual protagonist (don’t blink or you’ll miss the revealing line). And Circle of Fire (my work in progress) has a blatantly bisexual character who prefers her own gender for reasons of power and politics. Of course, when my reading group read the scenes with her, they all informed me that “real lesbians” don’t get all gooey over a guy (a particularly sexy guy, FYI). I kept my silence, but I found myself wondering what I missed that they didn’t pick up the bi hint and thought she was a lesbian. So, that I need to fix.

In the meantime, I’ve been researching a lot of religious topics and blogs for this same WIP, in addition to the research I’m doing for Shadowrun. I wrote about an Islamic character (Goatfoot) a while back and have been very interested in the cultural aspects of her background. So when my research on relationships, sex, and religion recently collided, I found myself captivated.

Ferrett Steinmetz, friend, fellow author, and VP tribe mate, is one of my LiveJournal friends. He regularly blogs about polyamorous relationships (among other things) and makes no bones about his opinions or preferences. While his opinions are not necessarily those of other people, he makes a strong case for why poly works for him and how poly should work for secure, confident, and willing adults. (NOTE: His blog contains a lot of adult content, so don’t click on that link if you’re at work!)

Two months ago, I was searching the internet for a web comic I read occasionally (Married to My Wife, a completely harmless and fun view of one artist’s day to day life), when the results flashed up a website called Polygamy 911 (again, adult content, mostly language). The blog’s author, Fiona, lives in the U.K. where she discusses polygyny. Here’s what her first post says:

My name is Fiona.

I am not muslim, but my husband is

I was a happily married woman. Our two children had just left home for university, and I was looking forward to being a wife again, spending more time with the husband I loved.

Instead my husband comes home one day, and tells me he has taken another wife…

Fiona’s story is a very interesting one. She has a lot to say about poly from her perspective, and it is very different from everything Ferrett has been saying. Granted, the two situations are not the same. Ferrett’s relationships are open and knowing. Fiona got blindsided by her husband and has been forced into this relationship. But what they both say can be boiled down to the same thing. Relationships and sex are about trust and faith, and when religion gets mixed up in the formula, it can make life difficult for everyone involved.

While these two pour their hearts out to the internet, I lurk and read and digest their words. The writer in me processes the resulting plot bunnies while the person in me empathizes with the struggles both of them live with. I find myself in awe of their fearless ability to discuss their own lives with millions of strangers, to put the haters to shame with their strength and resolve. In these blogs I see heroes fighting the good fight and keeping their heads above water. I probably don’t have the right to make these comparisons, but I see characters worth reading and worth appreciation.

These are the things I learn when I do research, and I am awed.