“Burning bridges” is a slang term that (as far as I know) dates back to the practice of an army burning a bridge so the enemy could not cross over a river and attack. That act also ensured that the army itself could not cross easily back to the other side. Once a bridge was burnt, there was no turning back. Which is what the modern day definition of the term also means: An act of destroying one’s ability to return to the status quo that previously existed.
So if you want to burn your bridges and not return to the previous status quo, you’ve come to the right place! Here’s a brief how-to guide on ensuring you lose all your friends and never become employable again.
1) Instead of debating the value of someone’s work, why not turn the conversation into a personal attack? Publicly insult this person and invite all your friends for the internet take-down of the century as well! Do this and I promise you are sure to earn a reputation as a cyber-bully and an idiot in less time than it takes to cook lasagna.
2) Tell your boss / editor / co-worker how much you devalue their assistance by trying to teach them how to do a job they’ve known how to do for years. This one is a sure-fire way of impressing everyone so much with your abilities that they will do everything in their power to never working with you again.
3) Horn in on other people’s conversations (real life or internet) to give them advice on a subject you know nothing about. Make sure to interrupt them as frequently as possible and include advice that is completely useless. Otherwise, they may mistake you as someone who is trying to be truly helpful rather than the troll you are aspiring to be.
4) Remember: The louder you talk, the more right you are. So make sure to yell at people as frequently as possible. (The internet may have no sound, but you can yell just by USING YOUR CAPS KEY FOR EVERYTHING YOU SAY. THEN EVERYONE KNOWS YOU ARE YELLING.)
5) Never let anyone (boss, co-workers, friends, family, or subject matter experts) get away with explaining a topic better than you can. Every time they try, make sure to tell them how wrong they are. To make this an even better burn, make them explain basic concepts, like the definition of the words “is,” “a,” and “the.”
6) Publicly post or discuss your customers’ or co-workers bad habits in front of other customers. In fact, speaking badly about your co-workers / other customers to your consumer base is a sure-fire way to cut down on your customer list. Many of them will never do business with you again.
7) Justify every bad decision you make by telling people they are just too dumb to understand your Grand Vision. Again, this is a great way to ensure no one wants to work with you, hire you, or buy your products.
8) When you get caught making a mistake, don’t worry about fixing it. Make a bigger mistake so that everyone focuses on the most recent one instead! (This advice works especially well for programmers or developers.)
9) Sharing people’s private conversations, especially when you aren’t supposed to be privy to them, is a great way to make sure people exclude you from parties, meetings, and other events. It’s also a great way to ensure that you will never get Top Secret clearance for government work.
10) If you need to pass an interview but don’t know the subject material, go to a public advice forum and ask for crib sheets on the usual interview questions and answers pertaining to X job. Many employers and managers actually hang around these places, and often mark such people on their list of “Do Not Ever Hire.” Cheating and lying about one’s resume is a verified method of avoiding gainful employment.
See how easy burning bridges can be? If you follow this advice, you can not only destroy your professional reputation, but lose your friends, your network, your job, and possibly even get disowned by your family. There is no one you cannot torque off (aside from your cat) if you are diligent in applying the above advice to your life. So go out and be the best @$$hat you can possibly be! What else do you need out of life?
