Blog: NDAs Freelancers Wish They Could Break

Any writer who has ever done tie-in work or worked on house projects (Nancy Drew, The Hardy Boys, any RPG you care to name) usually has to sign an non-disclosure agreement (NDA) to protect the integrity of the property. This prevents writers from discussing plot points, upcoming releases, and all sorts of fun and interesting stuff. Most of the time, that is. I am an NDA writer. I've signed contracts with a few companies not to do a big reveal, so I won't. So, why am I writing about stuff I can't talk about?

Because I've got a million things to do that I don't want to be doing, and I'm in a silly mood today. So I'm taking a humorous look at NDAs, authors, and properties I have nothing to do with (<-see the "nothing"? Cause I ain't signed with any of these peeps, so I have no clue what's really going on behind their doors). Without further ado, here are the NDAs authors wish they could break:

1) DC Comics, the New 52. Superman is revealed to be just another human who likes dressing up in the cape during the day, and high heels at night. One weekend, he performs Cabriole in public, which Lois Lane mistakes as a superhuman ability to fly. Supes' ballet teacher, Michael, goes insane with jealousy and becomes the next maxi-crossover-series villain Plea-A. Plea-A will have cameo appearances in Batman, Ravagers, Teen Titans, and Ambush Bug.

2) Marvel Comics, Just Another X-Men Title. In preparation for yet another X-Men title, the Avengers discover that the Human Torch is not dead, but a ghost come back to haunt Scarlet Witch for her bad taste in superhero costumes. There's no real theme here, just the intent to introduce a whole bunch of new mutants (not the old New Mutants, new new mutants) so we can justify another X-book. Oh, and Lockheed proposes to Kitty Pryde while Wolverine and Cyclops get drunk, run off to Vegas, and marry a pair of showgirls. The showgirls turn out to be aliens plotting to take over the world with chain of all-you-can-eat buffets. Once humanity (and homo-superior) falls into the trap, they'll all be too obese to prevent the invasion of the Carrot People.

3) Eureka – Dr. Parrish fears for his career and invents a Groundhog Day device that prevents the series from truly being cancelled. Sheriff Carter realizes the entire town is caught in an endless re-run loop and convinces Allison, Henry, Jo, and Zoe to escape with him so they can create the Eureka movie franchise. Unfortunately for Sheriff Carter, a group of Deputy Andy zombies also escape the re-run curse and chase after the fleeing characters.

4) Once Upon A Time – Mr. Gold's attempt to bring magic into the real world has succeeded with terrifying consequences. Every little kid in the U.S. who declares "I wish you weren't my Dad (Mom)!" suddenly finds themselves without parents. Regina is forced to adopt them all as she is suddenly the only adult in the States with an active adoption application on file. Emma quits the police force and takes up carpentry in an attempt to recreate Pinocchio. Ignored by both his mothers, Henry runs away to live with the dwarves and finds himself falling for an older woman… Gretel. Hansel gets jealous. Bad Things Happen.

5) Stargate SG-1 The Ongoing Saga. After going through a wormhole during a solar flare, SG-1 is trapped in centuries in the future with no way of getting home. The world is filled with Goa'uld and their slaves, which SG-1 instantly goes to work trying to stop. Only the worms' hosts are not pleased and are fighting back. Daniel realizes something is wrong far too late to stop a war from erupting between the humans and … the Trill? Dax summons Captains Sisko and Picard to the Trill homeworld's assistance and things take a turn for the worse.

Wow. I am having way to fun with these things. I should just Mary Sue up some fanfic here, shouldn't I?

Okay, not really. I am curious, though. How many of you reading this blog actually got the Ambush Bug reference?