I’m in a weird mood today, so I thought I’d share my list on the best ways to be a writer and fail at it. If you have anything you’d love to add to the list, please let me know.
1) Come up with an idea. Any idea. Heck, while you’re at it, just steal an idea from someone famous.
2) Don’t write the idea down. Just keep it in your head. In fact, don’t write anything down. Someone else might steal your idea from you.
3) Tell everyone you have this great idea and that you’ve copyrighted it (because that always goes over well).
4) Blog and tweet about your fantastic idea. Tell people you’re about to get published and anyone who rejects you is an idiot.
5) Go to lots of conventions. Tell the con staff that you are a famous writer.
6) While at conventions, do not bathe, do not wash your hands, do not brush your teeth or hair. In fact, live by the mantra that Hygiene is Bad. Also, make sure to wear your smelliest, dirtiest clothes. If you have something with holes in it, that’s all the better.
7) Start following actors, agents, editors and publishers around like a lost little sheep.
8) Attend lots of con panels. Take over the Q&A conversation by asking questions you can easily find the answer to on Google or by reading industry blogs. It’s not like anyone else has the right to ask questions, after all.
9) Introduce yourself to every actor, agent, editor and publisher you meet. Give them a gum wrapper with your name and phone number written on it. Tell them you’re the next big thing and boy, how you’ve got an idea.
10) Go up to famous authors (especially the one you stole your idea from) and inform them that you have a great idea and that they should write the book for you because it will make them even more famous.
11) Threaten to sue (or really do sue) the author you stole your idea from. After all, you copyrighted the idea, right?
12) Submit your idea to agents, editors and publishers with a cover letter that starts "Dear Agent; Your company sucks, but I think my work will make it suck less. Here’s my idea. Isn’t it grand? Send me the contract in the mail tomorrow."
13) When submitting, ignore all submission guidelines and any information that says a market is closed to submissions. What do they know? Your piece is the next best seller and they’ll recognize your genius as soon as they read the idea.
14) Call agents, editors and publishers frequently to check on the status of your idea query.
15) When rejected, write agents, editors and publishers, telling them they are idiots for not recognizing their genius. Also, call them on the phone, bad mouth them at conventions, and tell all your friends.
16) Submit your idea to Publish America or another vanity press.
17) Write the damn book anyway, or convince your drunken ex-college roommate’s dog to do it for you, and submit that to Publish America.
18) Accuse SyFy of ripping off your idea for their cheap movie of the month. Threaten to sue.
19) Rant on the forums / your blog / Twitter every time someone says ideas cannot be copyrighted or they criticize your work.
20) Drink a bottle of booze and start process all over again with your next idea.
21) Enjoy your failure. You have officially black-balled yourself in the publishing industry. Not only will no one talk to you, but you will never get published unless you choose to self-publish. Additionally, you will be the butt of every bad joke and warning story at every writing convention from here to perpetuity.
