First and only warning. This post discusses trauma and rape (in broad terms) and may be a trigger for some people. Please do not read further if you are sensitive to these things.
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It only takes four words to completely ruin a relationship, whether it's friendly or family, romantic or professional. Four little, ordinary words that can destroy a person.
Several years back, I was a participant in a conversation that found its way to rape in literature. Person A made a dismissive comment about how someone else had refused to read a book because it had rape scenes in it. Person B interjected that there was nothing wrong with that, and brought up the topic of trigger warnings. The conversation rapidly went downhill from there with most other participants (including myself) opting to remain quiet while A and B basically debated the merits of whether or not someone had the right (in a workplace context) to refuse to read something that could trigger PTSD flashbacks.
The discussion was between a boss and a subordinate. The subordinate said they would also refuse in such a scenario since they had suffered from X type of trauma. The boss replied that they had suffered the same kind of trauma and the boss was just fine. Subordinate said something along the lines of "everyone's experience is different and not everyone recovers the same way or in the same amount of time." Wise words, I thought to myself. But still, I sat and watched as boss upped the ante.
Several minutes into the tirade, the magic words came out. "Just deal with it."
Four little words. So easy to say, especially when we're sitting on the side of the fence where nothing is wrong.
The rest of the conversation, what little there was of it, did not end well. The trust that had been built between these two people just shattered with those words. If it had happened any place else, in any other circumstance, a lawsuit would have been filed so fast, the boss's head would have spun. The worse part was, I think the boss lost more than the trust of that one subordinate. I think all of us in that meeting were a little shocked at the boss's lack of empathy, especially since the boss claimed to understand the trauma involved.
Then there's this. My SO, who is first-generation American Chinese, has a very real experience with racism and childhood trauma. Given the things he's told me, I sincerely believe there is major emotional abuse in his background. He spends his days looking at every person he encounters to see if they're hiding weapons under the jackets or trying to pick his pocket or trying to get in his way to prevent him from doing … well, anything, really. I keep forgetting about this. When it's just him and I, I assume his childhood experiences are just like mine (minus the close relationship with the parental units – it's a Chinese thing, he tells me).
So a year later, when we're driving through town for something (I don't remember what), he suddenly rages about the inconsiderate behavior of Florida drivers. His fist hits the window, I jump while trying to keep the car straight, and he lets loose a rant. That day, I'm tired and fed up with his generalizations about Florida drivers. I remind him that I am a Florida driver too and that myself and several other people I know don't fit the steroptypes he's ranting about. We start arguing and the conversation comes around to those four little words. And wouldn't you know it? I'm the one who said them.
"Just deal with it."
Silence. He just stopped talking. It wasn't until we got home that I saw how shaken and pale he was. He's not a crier, really. But his eyes were filled with unshed tears. I had to stop then, try to talk to him. He finally told me how belittled he felt when I said those words. How horrible I made him feel by dismissing his concerns out of hand like that. Because I didn't understand his perspective. Because I'm a privileged white woman who isn't glared at the instant she walks into a store, or ignored by restaurant hosts because her skin is two shades too dark. Because I have parents who love me and if they punished me as a child, at least I knew what I was being punished for. Who, for all that I was bullied as a child, wasn't threatened by the local gang members who regularly carried knives in their waistbands and guns in their coats.
He was right, about all of it. I couldn't understand. I didn't understand. I try to, but really these traumas are the sorts of things that you can only understand when you've been exposed to them.
I am very fortunate that we managed to get past that incident. I had no idea how much those words could hurt someone, despite having seen what they could do when inflicted on a third party by someone else. I promised him I'd never use those words again. Not to him, not to anyone.
"Just deal with it?" No. That's not what you say to someone suffering any form of trauma, whether it's rape, abuse, bullying, or racism. There is no just dealing with it. That's not how this works. So why do we keep saying those words?
And why do we arrogantly assume our relationships will survive them?
