I know two people who committed suicide, and one person who tried and failed.
The first person was a co-worker back when I was in college. I didn’t know him well, only for a few weeks. He asked me out on a date, I said no, and a week later he had killed himself. It hit me hard at first, making me question my role in his death. It took me a while to understand that my choices had nothing to do with his choices. I didn’t know what was going through his head. He seemed like a fine, normal person to me at the time. I know better now, and I honestly doubt knowing his state of mind would have changed my mind about dating him.
The second person was a college friend who was also pursuing a Dramatic Arts degree. She was a co-dependent who had befriended a manic depressive. None of us saw it coming. One day she was fine, the next day she was in the emergency room having taken an entire bottle of anti-seizure medication meant to end her life. She survived. I visited her lots in the hospital. Not a lot of people did according to her. She felt as if they didn’t care about her unless she pretended everything in her world was okay. I think they were just terrified, unable to understand how they should act around her.
The third person was an online friend from a Transformers MUSH. She was a very creative and interesting person. We had a lot of laughs on the internet, and got along famously. Again, I had no idea what she was dealing with in her personal life. She didn’t talk about it much. Then again, I didn’t talk about my personal life either. One morning we got the alert through another one of her online friends. She had committed suicide with a note and a will (of sorts) in which she actually left her toys to me and the friend who notified us of her death. We were apparently her only friends. Maybe we could have helped her, but her pain was so intense she couldn’t even talk about it. Her family was devastated. This death hit me the hardest because I feel like I should have known, that there should have been something I could have done to help.
I bring this subject up because I have been seeing a lot of comments on the internet lately about people threatening to kill themselves. The most recent one came from The Bloggess’ blog (comment 94) in which an anonymous poster casually asked if s(he) should clean out the garage before killing himself/herself or just commit suicide and leave the roommate to worry about the garage cleaning.
I’m not sure how to take this post. Is this a person crying out for help? Or is this person a troll?
I understand how nasty a creature depression is. As The Bloggess says, “depression lies.” It sneaks in and destroys every good thing in a person’s life, convincing them people have ulterior motives for handing out compliments, or that no one loves them. Depression highlights all the mistakes a person has made, distorting them into huge fiascos that everyone is mocking. Every life success is shredded to bits under the microscope of self-examination. The more a depressed person tries to understand a problem, the bigger the problem becomes, until it grows into an emotional boulder that no person (sane or not) can handle alone. Depression convinces people that nothing is right, nothing can go right, and nothing can fix the horrible person inside. When the pain reaches a certain point, the people under attack do one of two things: 1) They self-inflict harm to draw their attention away from the internal agony or 2) They commit suicide.
On the other hand, I know a few women who have been in (or are in) a relationship with unscrupulous men willing to pull out the suicide card when / if these women threaten to leave them. I kid you not. There are people who are willing to say “I will kill myself” just to get attention or manipulate other people into doing what they want. And there are trolls who post things like this just to see how people will react.
The problem with the internet is that I can’t see the poster’s body language or hear the poster’s tone of voice. Which means the one time we assume the poster is a troll, chances are the poster really is crying out for help and the anonymous internet is the only place (s)he can reach out to. And when no one answers or some smart-ass says “go ahead,” the poster takes the pills or picks up the knife.
Depression doesn’t just lie. It is a parasite. It sucks everything out of its “host,” leaving little behind. It turns the host into a puppet of its own dark desires. Depression can cause people to meltdown and hide from the world. It can cause people to attack and hurt their friends after convincing people that those friends just want to cause harm to depression’s host. It can force people to shun all help, to believe that there is no help.
It takes more than offering a shoulder to cry on or multiple repetitions of “I love you and I’m always here for you.” When a person is caught in the center of the whirlwind, they can’t see us or hear us. Depressed people don’t talk about depression to their family or friends because they are afraid of being judged, of being found unworthy, and of finding every negative thought they’ve ever had of themselves being vindicated.
If you know a person who suffers from depression or who is suicidal, get them immediate medical assistance. This is bigger than we can handle as individuals. It requires a full-fledged support mob, with the inclusion of medically-trained professionals. And sometimes, unfortunately, nothing we do will help someone truly bent on hurting themselves.
The National Suicide Prevention Hotline (United States) was created to give people a non-judgmental resource for advice and assistance. The number is 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
The Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance also has resources available for those who need help. The number is 1-800-826-3632.
If you need help, call them. If you know someone who needs help, call them. They can give even non-sufferers advice on how to help those in need.
